Peter Murnane

Speaking from his throne of human skulls, located in his valley of tears and shadows, Simon Cowell announced today that he was continuing the world-famous known franchise “[Vaguely-Descriptive-Noun] Idol” with a bold new installment - Freak Idol.

Dark Lord Cowell said he had been planning the follow up venture to the Xfactor for a while, but had to shelve plans for his original series, False Idol, as it contravened those ludicrous new blasphemy laws. Instead, he has gone with the significantly more immoral, but entirely legal, Freak Idol.

“Yeah basically we’ve just got this big studio and an audience of baying yokels, waving poorly-spelled banners and shouting constantly for no defined reason. It’s brilliant! Then we just drive around the city in a van kidnapping freaks. We harass them into incomprehensible yammering and try to get them as close to an emotional breakdown as we can, then we push them onstage and judge them from out ivory towers” he smugged, before adding “It’s brilliant and there’s fuc*ing nothing you bastards can do about it”.

Prior to this series, the ivory towers were somewhat metaphorical, but the massive budget for Freak Idol has allowed Cowell to be a little more exuberant so this year he woodenly reads his autocued lines or “dispenses judgement” from a genuine, 30 foot purpose built Ivory Tower.

Whatever random slag he has to try and convey a bit of humanity now sits in a fluffy pink marshmallow that floats above the stage, spraying out sweeties and clichéd sayings with equal measure. Piers Morgan’s fat head has also been bolted to the side of the tower so he can yawn, letch and agree with Simon Cowell.

Mr. Cowell has responded to accusations that the planned programme is nothing more than a freakshow and that nobody involved will have any talent or chance of success with the following statement: “Of course that’s what it is. These disgusting cretins were put on the earth for me to make money out of. This year I haven’t even bothered with a pretend prize, I just built the studio and they came. Then I filmed it and now there’s nothing they can do because I own their souls.” This is followed by several pages of maniacal cackling.

Freak Idol auditions will take place in Dublin after Christmas. Be sure to look out for special guest judge Louis Walsh, who will tell every contestant that they have loads of potential and will go very far in this competition in his fake jovial tone before squealing like an excited serial killer and trying to hump the table leg. 

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