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Dark Lord Cowell to launch 'Freak Idol'show

Peter Murnane

Speaking from his throne of human skulls, located in his valley of tears and shadows, Simon Cowell announced today that he was continuing the world-famous known franchise “[Vaguely-Descriptive-Noun] Idol” with a bold new installment - Freak Idol.

Dark Lord Cowell said he had been planning the follow up venture to the Xfactor for a while, but had to shelve plans for his original series, False Idol, as it contravened those ludicrous new blasphemy laws. Instead, he has gone with the significantly more immoral, but entirely legal, Freak Idol.

“Yeah basically we’ve just got this big studio and an audience of baying yokels, waving poorly-spelled banners and shouting constantly for no defined reason. It’s brilliant! Then we just drive around the city in a van kidnapping freaks. We harass them into incomprehensible yammering and try to get them as close to an emotional breakdown as we can, then we push them onstage and judge them from out ivory towers” he smugged, before adding “It’s brilliant and there’s fuc*ing nothing you bastards can do about it”.

Prior to this series, the ivory towers were somewhat metaphorical, but the massive budget for Freak Idol has allowed Cowell to be a little more exuberant so this year he woodenly reads his autocued lines or “dispenses judgement” from a genuine, 30 foot purpose built Ivory Tower.

Whatever random slag he has to try and convey a bit of humanity now sits in a fluffy pink marshmallow that floats above the stage, spraying out sweeties and clichéd sayings with equal measure. Piers Morgan’s fat head has also been bolted to the side of the tower so he can yawn, letch and agree with Simon Cowell.

Mr. Cowell has responded to accusations that the planned programme is nothing more than a freakshow and that nobody involved will have any talent or chance of success with the following statement: “Of course that’s what it is. These disgusting cretins were put on the earth for me to make money out of. This year I haven’t even bothered with a pretend prize, I just built the studio and they came. Then I filmed it and now there’s nothing they can do because I own their souls.” This is followed by several pages of maniacal cackling.

Freak Idol auditions will take place in Dublin after Christmas. Be sure to look out for special guest judge Louis Walsh, who will tell every contestant that they have loads of potential and will go very far in this competition in his fake jovial tone before squealing like an excited serial killer and trying to hump the table leg. 

In completely unrelated news:
The Spanner Top 10 Bad Santas
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Spanner TV - Highly inappropriate Christmas toy

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John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012. So he's free to lead his country into Poland. Just like his hero did.
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Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."