Fernando who?

Liverpool fans last night hailed new signing Andy Carroll for restoring faith in old-fashioned football values following their betrayal by greedy backstabbing Judas Fernando Torres.

Carroll’s brave decision to reluctantly accept a massive pay-hike and wrench himself away from his boyhood club was heartening proof that a player’s ambition to better himself can sometimes rise above the bitter parochialism that has dogged English football, said Kop fan Cal Downe.

It had been a tough couple of days for Liverpool supporters, following quitter turncoat Judas Torres’ money-grubbing decision to abandon the team that heroically stepped in to rescue him from his boyhood club in 2007.It’s a disgrace. Judas Torres’ selfish actions show there’s no loyalty in football any more,” lamented Downe.

“We loved him and nurtured him. He was nothing before he came to Liverpool. And then he goes and takes Chelsea’s 30 pieces of silver? How can he sleep at night?

“It’s disgusting that a player can disrespect an institution like Liverpool Football Club in this way. The wonder is that Judas ever passed a medical when he has no soul and no heart.

“If it wasn’t for Andy Carroll, I’d be losing all faith in football. It’s refreshing to see a player of Saint Andy’s calibre rise above the petty tribalism and join a side whose ambition matches his own.

“Why shouldn’t a player of the New Anfield Messiah’s talents be allowed to ply his trade on a stage that befits his ability?

“Newcastle supporters need to grow up and get real. Stop living in the past and accept your current status. How is the Saviour of Merseyside going to improve at a club mired in mid-table? Only at a club of Liverpool’s History and Tradition can he maximise his potential.

“People need to be mature about these things and understand how modern professional football works. These so-called Toon fans abusing the Imminent Kop Legend on phone-ins and messageboards are pathetic.

“PS – Torres I hope you and your entire family are brutally slaughtered in a horrible hair-straightening accident. Die u Judas scum. U were shite. We didn’t want u anyway. Good riddance.”

Meanwhile, Liverpool’s American owner last night pledged to take Newcastle to ‘any court necessary’ to retrieve the £32.4m they claim they accidentally overpaid the Toon for alleged £36m hitman Carroll.

“Goddamn Limeys,” fumed Boston-based John W Henry. “We’re gonna get these greenbacks back offa the Newcastle Magpies, and I’m gonna personally kick the butt of the asshole who put the goddamn decimal point in the wrong place on that goddamn check.”

Sam Wheeler