Sure as day follows night; night follows day and self-loathing follows the consumption of a kebab, another idolised celebrity romance has crumbled. It has been revealed that internationally renowned consensual human sex partnership ‘Brangelina’ have announced their separation.

The couple, whose ‘so-raw-it’ll-give-you-rampant-salmonella’ sex-appeal has been the origin of inferiority complexes around the world, were something of a tabloid favourite throughout their twelve-year marriage, becoming collectively known as ‘Brangelina’. Indeed, according to reports, they’ve each become so used to being referred to by this moniker, by their friends and the media, that they’ve almost entirely forgotten their own names.

Hamish Wong, a source close to the male component of ‘Brangelina’, told reporters, “I haven’t heard him refer to himself by his own name in years. They do everything as ‘Brangelina’, he’ll have their mail delivered under that name, he’ll sign cheques with it, illicitly tattoo it on fans backs, everything.”

I popped round to visit him earlier,” Hamish continued, “He’s devastated about what’s happened, obviously, but good god, the man was all over the place. I’m worried he’s lost his sense of self by not being ‘Brangelina’ any more. Right, for example, he was trying to sign for some online shopping being delivered- beef and gravel, which in itself was worrying- and it took him about 10 minutes to actually write a name down. When I looked at the form he’d written ‘Brandrew Pipe’. Then the phone rang and he answered it by saying, “Hello, ‘Branston Pickle’ speaking.” The man’s losing it, that’s a brand of relish… he’s not a brand of relish.”

 

The male component of 'Brangelina' collecting its breakfast.

He has been so traumatised by the divorce that he has also inexplicably sprouted breasts.

It was put to Hamish Wong how his friend felt about the female half of ‘Brangelina’ requesting custody of their six children, three of whom are adopted. Hamish stated that, “He’s actually pretty okay with it, for the last few years anyway he’s pretty much seen himself as less a father and more the proprietor of a sort of boutique orphanage. He’s taking it on the chin. It’s probably best he spends some time alone anyway to get over this ‘Brangelina’ nonsense.”

News of their separation has been greeted with shock throughout the world. The Dalai Lama, when approached for comment, spat out some shepherd’s pie he was eating, exclaiming, “Fuck the fuck off, really!?” Gwyneth Paltrow, when asked, solemnly put down her smoothie made of kale and the purified tears of an owl, saying she was upset to hear of their conscious decoupling.

It is as yet unknown why the Dalai Lama and Gwyneth Paltrow were dining together, though it is hoped they may be romantically involved and can become the celebrity power couple to replace the fresh void in all our hearts.

Rory McNab

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