Neither man, woman or beast safe in Bangor

The town of Bangor, Co. Down, is in a state of palpable shock following the news that one of their young residents has impregnated a donkey.

Certain cadres within the DUP believe it can be no coincidence that the town's first recorded act of bestiality should coincide with Rihanna's act of indecent exposure in the vicinity last week.

Despite the valiant efforts of frigid farmer Alan Graham of the DUP to prevent Rihanna from exposing the children of Bangor to her sweet, sweet cafe-au lait flesh, the schoolboys - who had pencilled the date in months in advance and duly mitched off from school - had already seen more than enough. The genie was out of the lamp.

Roger (16), an A-levels student and now father-to-be, was one of the truant Peeping Toms who'd gathered on the hilltop to ogle the exotic songstress.

''You couldn't quite make out her raspberry ripples, but you could clearly make out the contours of the breast alright. We weren't sure if she was real or a mirage. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside; I then became dizzy," he said.

"I was going to wait 'til I got home but it's a long way, likes, and all the animals were runnin' wild over thon whatsherface. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was engaged in a definite act of disturbia.''

The leader of the DUP, Peter Robinson,  meanwhile, was careful not to blame Mr Graham, though he felt he could possibly have done more to stop the nudity from arising in the first place, which he believes was the catalyst for the act.

''That's the first and last time we agree to let one of Satan's harlots shoot a popular music video in the town of Bangor," said Robinson.

"She'd promised us the video was for a cover of Enya's ''Anywhere Is'' and that she'd be wearing a burka; I suppose on hindsight we were a little naive, now that I've had the chance to see some of Ms. Ri Hannah's work on the world wide web.

"I wouldn't want to pass judgement but there's a very high chance she'll burn in hell for all eternity. We were glad Alan banished her from the land but he could easily have sicced his dog on her for such a brazen attempt to corrupt the children of Bangor."

''All we can do now is reduce the legal marrying age because there is simply no way the boy-donkey will be born out of wedlock. One mortal sin is about all this town can take in one week; two and we’d really be asking for Armageddon.’’

Paul Morrissey