The banker had missed the point slightly

A banker who had infiltrated the Occupy Dame Street movement in order to ''find out what these hippies are saying about us'', has been ousted after seven days of successful sleuthing.

Alf Fluent had been handpicked among his fat cat cronies by process of elimination after they decided his was the face '‘you’d least want to punch.’’

The bankers, cowed by the threat of the movement, felt they needed to send an inside man to tap into the zeitgeist while also subliminally trying to alter the protesters’ opinions of the corporate sector.

He was briefed to drop opportune remarks like ‘‘ah they’re not that bad though are they’’, and ‘‘the cash machine has revolutionised our lives when you think about it.’’

After seven long, arduous days - ''no booze, no smoke, no Coca-Cola'' – Alf was ‘‘bored out of my tits.’’

‘‘I could barely sleep with their incessant banjo-jamming every night. And wouldn’t you know it the Blackberry was down worldwide, so I had no choice but to go into the communal tent and make like I cared about the message in the songs.’’

Alf then unwittingly let his guard down.

''I'd been concentrating so hard for the whole week to keep a straight face during their incomprehensible music babble, and after the same shit every night - 'Wonderwall', 'Redemption Song', and 'Kumbaya', my brain was fucking frazzled.

The guitar was passed around to me for the first time and I thought I'd give my favourite song a jam to lift my spirits - Ricky Martin's Livin' 'La Vida Loca'.

‘‘Well fuck me. You'd swear George Dubya Bush had just ambled into the tent.

'Boo! Bourgeois scum! Elitist!'

‘‘Someone reached over and ripped off my makeshift poncho, revealing my windsor-knotted pinstripe corporate suit.

"I thought I was done for, so I told them that any attempt to physically touch me would contravene the hippies' non-violent ethos. They basically just told me to 'fuck right off, to fuck.'’’

‘‘They’re not bad eggs I have to say,’’ concluded Mr Fluent outside the encampment. ‘‘I feel I’m a changed man after experiencing at first hand the plight of Ireland’s hippies. Now if you’ll get out my way I’ve got to get back to the bank. Taxi!’’

Paul Morrissey