'If I don't see it, it didn't happen'

Arsenal have been knocked out of the UEFA Champions’ League by the tournament favourites, Barcelona. In an overwhelmingly predictable turn of events, Arsenal’s slender 2-1 lead from the first leg of the tie was comfortably overturned by Barca, which left Arsenal disappointed, demoralised, and needing some Sudocrem for their arses.

The lord and saviour, Lionel Messi, opened the scoring with a deft flick and cool finish, before waving his left foot around in a circle in order to cure tuberculosis. Commentator Ray Houghton remarked that Messi is “the best in the world, bar none” and that he’d “probably wank him off if push came to shove”

Arsenal have since, in most uncharacteristic manner, whinged and moaned to the media, complaining that the Catalan side’s talent “isn’t fair” and that “they’re a big bunch of meanies”
Despite Barcelona’s dominance being reflected in a shots-on-goal comparison of 19-0, Arsene Wenger feels his side were hard done by.

“Robin van Persie should not have been sent off. That’s all I know. If he’d still been on the pitch, we’d have won”. When quizzed about the rest of the match and Barcelona’s stupidly high possession rate, Wenger responded that he “did not see the rest of the game” and that it wasn’t what he was there to talk about.

The Frenchman caused trouble in the tunnel immediately after the game, reportedly kicking Xavi in the shins and calling him “ugly and fat” and telling Andres Iniesta that he was “a baldy bastard” who “doesn’t have any mates”

Cesc Fabregas has expressed his delight at the result, and his hopes that his loan spell at Arsenal will come to an end soon, so he can “actually win something at club level for a fucking change”