Dana's true face

Irish presidential candidate, Dana Rosemary Scallon, has stunned the electorate with fresh accusations with regard to her origins.

The Derry songstress has been no stranger to controversy during this campaign. Making little headway in the polls thus far with her sole standing point on the constitution, Dana has instead received her hits of media coverage over her dual citizenship, alleged attempts to sabotage her campaign car, and her loving familial relations.

This reporter can reveal, however, that Dana’s dual citizenship of Ireland and the US is in fact, meaningless, as are all the other trivial incidents. According to leaked reports, the Eurovision star is in fact from the planet Venus.

“I also knew there was something a bit off with Dana” said one man on the streets of Dublin. “The way she stares at you. Like she’s trying to implant thoughts into your head. That must have been how she convinced the Yanks to let her in.”

Recently de-classified files issuing from the US government state that all life forms from Venus have wonderful singing voices, and while speaking, appear as though they are about to burst into tears.

A handwritten footnote on one of these documents notes Dana’s application for US citizenship, recommending it be allowed, so as to keep an eye on, and observe, the suspected extra-terrestrial, who exhibited all of those Venusian characteristics.

Reacting to the revelations tonight, Dana has stressed that she in fact maintains tri-citizenship of Venus, the USA and Ireland, and that her Venusian heritage will only serve to heighten relations between the two planets, and perhaps aid in job creation for the two struggling nations.

Conor Forrest