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Alcoholics of the world grateful for St. Patrick’s Day midweek drinking

Even alcoholic midgets are Irish on Paddy's Day

Pissheads around the globe were united in praise of all things Irish this week, as St. Patrick’s Day afforded a rare excuse for socially acceptable midweek drinking.

While experts are divided as to the competing merits of ‘the midweek session’ and the ‘3-day-weekend mega session’, being able to skull a few cans on a Wednesday afternoon is proving a firm favourite among degenerates and students worldwide.

“You’ve got to celebrate your country’s national day don’t you?,” trainee dog walker Brian McRyan told The Spanner, as he sipped a can of Bavaria with his morning cornflakes.

“I know a lot of people say that 12 year olds rolling around O’Connell Street and middle aged women vomiting in bins paints a bad picture Ireland, but aren’t we a great bunch of characters all the same?

“And in fairness, you’d have to be fairly wasted to enjoy the parade.”

“Baaah yahhh fuggggin Patttrick urgggggh bate da head offya,” added his father Ryan McRyan, who has shown great dedication in continuously celebrating the holiday for most of his 47 years on the planet.

The main Dublin parade will commence at the AIB bank machines on O’Connell Street at midday, and stop at various bank machines on the way to the pav in Trinity College, where a display of mass communal gargling will take place.

Although March 17th is only a public holiday in this country, millions of foreigners with tenuous links to Ireland also enjoy celebrating the feast of St. Patrick – if only because the green face paint and strong alcohol mask the signs of having slept in your own filth for days.

“Woo hoooooo yeahhhhh! I frickin love St. Party’s day,” screamed American college student Trey Jonnssonssonnson at his campus in Old New Jersey. “I’m like 5% Irish or something. The blonde hair and chiselled features would be because I’m 95% Swedish, but that’s no reason not to get f*cked up dude!

“It’s important to celebrate your heritage mate,” Aussie Michael ‘Micko’ Murphy told Australia’s Roo TV. “My grandparents told me all the stories about how Saint Patrick brewed the first pint of Guinness from snakes and beat one of the old pagans to become King of the Tinkers. Top Bloke.”

 

 

In completely unrelated news:
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John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012. So he's free to lead his country into Poland. Just like his hero did.
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Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."