Even alcoholic midgets are Irish on Paddy's Day

Pissheads around the globe were united in praise of all things Irish this week, as St. Patrick’s Day afforded a rare excuse for socially acceptable midweek drinking.

While experts are divided as to the competing merits of ‘the midweek session’ and the ‘3-day-weekend mega session’, being able to skull a few cans on a Wednesday afternoon is proving a firm favourite among degenerates and students worldwide.

“You’ve got to celebrate your country’s national day don’t you?,” trainee dog walker Brian McRyan told The Spanner, as he sipped a can of Bavaria with his morning cornflakes.

“I know a lot of people say that 12 year olds rolling around O’Connell Street and middle aged women vomiting in bins paints a bad picture Ireland, but aren’t we a great bunch of characters all the same?

“And in fairness, you’d have to be fairly wasted to enjoy the parade.”

“Baaah yahhh fuggggin Patttrick urgggggh bate da head offya,” added his father Ryan McRyan, who has shown great dedication in continuously celebrating the holiday for most of his 47 years on the planet.

The main Dublin parade will commence at the AIB bank machines on O’Connell Street at midday, and stop at various bank machines on the way to the pav in Trinity College, where a display of mass communal gargling will take place.

Although March 17th is only a public holiday in this country, millions of foreigners with tenuous links to Ireland also enjoy celebrating the feast of St. Patrick – if only because the green face paint and strong alcohol mask the signs of having slept in your own filth for days.

“Woo hoooooo yeahhhhh! I frickin love St. Party’s day,” screamed American college student Trey Jonnssonssonnson at his campus in Old New Jersey. “I’m like 5% Irish or something. The blonde hair and chiselled features would be because I’m 95% Swedish, but that’s no reason not to get f*cked up dude!

“It’s important to celebrate your heritage mate,” Aussie Michael ‘Micko’ Murphy told Australia’s Roo TV. “My grandparents told me all the stories about how Saint Patrick brewed the first pint of Guinness from snakes and beat one of the old pagans to become King of the Tinkers. Top Bloke.”

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