2.30am closing time ushers in new, brutal era of bloodsports

Sir Pyrrhic Victory

The Spanner can exclusively reveal shocking news that the amendments to the intoxicating liquor act rushed through the Dail last week were in fact part of a sadistic plan to create a new blood sport for the amusement of the higher echelons of Irish society. The man behind this madness is believed to be none other than former Justice Minister and perennial buzz killer, Michael McDowell.

McDowell, otherwise known as the egg-headed avenger, was responsible during his time in government for such wanton and depraved acts of gobshitery as ASBOs and ‘European-style Café-bars’, and appears determined to continue to wreck the buzz from beyond the political grave by finally wiping out any semblance of youth and fun in one fell swoop. The new legislation will force all licensed premises to close at 2.30am and then distribute a variety of weapons to departing punters for use in the street as they all spill out in one frantic, drunken tide.

Further research by The Spanner has revealed that the top floors of all buildings Cruise’s Street in Limerick, Harcourt Street in Dublin, O’Connell Street in Cork, and Shop Street in Galway have been occupied by the executive branches of Paddy Power, Boylesports, and Ladbrokes. Furthermore, receipts for industrial amounts of cocaine, champagne and caviar, not to mention enough underage prostitutes to fill Tim Allen’s hard drive were shown to The Spanner by concerned insiders who claim that these sweeteners were being lined up to soften up the upper crust clientele tagging along to the new bloodsport.

The source went on to claim that ‘Without fox-hunting, bear-baiting, hog-dogging and with the difficulties the upper classes are encountering whilst dogging, not to mention the closing of the Fianna Fail tent at the Galway races, they have become impatient and afraid that their vices will have no proper playground and so have turned to their old friend, legislation. Now they can drunkenly wager huge sums on the outcome of conflicts between people who don’t matter, namely younger ones. There’s no group out to protect younger people like there is with dumb animals, so they can blame it on the drunken people themselves.’

An astonished Spanner was shown the betting handicap sheet which will be distributed among potential punters prior to the first 2.30 AM ejection;

• Anyone with a baseball cap at an angle of 20-45 degrees: 4/1 outright victory
• Anyone with a baseball cap at an angle of 90 degrees or over: 2/1 outright victory
• Anyone on cocaine: evens
• Anyone on cocaine versus two drunken people: 3/1
• Anyone on cocaine versus the Guards: 20/1
• Anyone whose bird is wearing a provocative skirt: 3/1 to fight, 5/1 to win, girlfriend to cry evens
• Rival rugby schools SCTs: odds to be determined after Creatine/Body weight analysis

The government’s move to introduce this legislation was widely resisted by the opposition, as well as various groups such as Give Us The Night and The Alliance of Mingers and Ten Past Two Scores, who are protesting on the humanitarian claim that it will become almost impossible for them to get any action if people are busy fighting instead of getting so drunk they can’t see the person they snog.

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