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2011 Golden Spanner awards

Each evening, as we recline in the Dutch Gold filled Jacuzzi at Spanner Towers, we like to sneer at all the big fools who are way stupider than us and who haven’t even mastered such basic life skills as keeping bread in the freezer to stop it going mouldy.

Though fools may come and fools may go, and as Elvis says they certainly rush in, unfortunately their brainless actions are all too quickly forgotten in the tsunami of idiocy that is the interweb.
So, in the spirit of remembering the retarded, and commemorating the clueless, we present the GOLDEN SPANNER AWARDS 2011!


Kim Kardashian: Now if we could only figure out the secret of her popularity...


The Simon Cowell Award for most ridiculous display of Egotism: CHARLIE SHEEN
Getting fired from Two and a half men didn’t faze Sheen, not one bit, why would it when you have Pornstars and Drug Dealers on speed dial and his ego is still definitely as healthy as his bank balance, Example: People lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ He is definitely “WINNING” and he knows it and unsurprisingly he believes he is a drug.

“I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Runner up-Mario Balotelli- Man City footballer who when famously pulled over by the police and asked why there was so much money in cash in his car, he replied “Because I’m Rich”. He then celebrated a goal against Man United at Old Trafford by revealing a t-shirt saying “Why Always Me?” Cause you’re a TWAT!

The Kerry Katona award for shameless living through the tabloids: KIM KARDASHIAN
It doesn’t get much more shameless than getting married to a NBA star, selling the rights to your wedding for a total 17.5 million and then getting divorced after 72 days. It seems Kardashian is competing with Paris Hilton for the honour of making the most money without a specific job/talent. (both have made sex-tapes) An online petition to boycott everything Kardashian now has 250,000 signatures and you can sign it at boycottkim.com.....now can we start one for Amanda Brunkner?!

Runner Up: CALUM BEST. Would anybody actually know who he was if he wasn’t the son of George Best? His constant hoaring through the media is the reason anybody knows he exists and even then we are ashamed to say so, oh look another picture of Best in a club or promoting an aftershave....PUKE

 

Carlos Tevez - Want some of this Mancini?

Joey Barton Award for Most Spoiled and Petulant Footballer: CARLOS TEVEZ
Spent the year moaning of homesickness and wreaking havoc on Manchester's tourism industry, then had his bluff called when offered the opportunity to return by Boca. Still no spikka the Ingles.
Runner-up: Jermaine Pennant: More cars than Batman. Forgot about a discarded Porsche in Spain, then chromed-out an Aston Martin for the same reason a dog licks it balls. Because he can.
Emmanuel Adebayor: Maintains he has a moral obligation to command circa £120,000 a week because he's ''from Africa'' and needs to give back to his community. Pff. And he'll tell you the diamond-studded earrings are a necessity to his wellbeing. Spotted in a Togolese stripclub raining dollas on a dancer, leaving her to collect said dollas from the floor. What was the name of that Beatles song - 'Money Can't Buy Me Class'?
 

 

Roy Keane Award for guiding Ireland to Euro Championships: ZBIGNIEW BONIEK.
With his unkempt head of ginger hair and very deliberate moustache, the ex-Polish international could be a farmer from one of Ireland's deepest darkest bogholes. Boniek played an absolute blinder at the play-off draw, showing cool composure to produce the ball from the pot reading 'Estonia'.
Runner-up: Manuela Spinelli. It's football's worst kept secret. Manuela is the brains of the operation, and is not 'interpreting' per se; she is clearly ad libbing Trapattoni's mad jibberish. Ireland's Scarlet Pimpernel is believed to be doing subversive work behind the scenes unbeknownst toTrap in a bid to get Wes Hoolahan into the side.

George Bush Award for most useless politician: Mick Wallace: Clearly thought 'TD' stood for Technical Director of FAI. Looks dazed and confused. Commendable commitment to cause anarchy to Officialdom, but has taken sartorial etiquette to a new low with dangling gypsy earring. Runners-up: Ming (boring since he quit smoking grass), Brian Cowen (What have you got?!)


Seamus Dunne and Paul Morrissey

 
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 Joke of the Day

It is rumoured that President Robert Mugabe is fighting for his life in a Singapore hospital.

Doctors are working around the clock pretending to try and save him.

(Jimmy Carr)

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Topless Ukraine activist grabs Euro Cup

(Reuters) - A Ukrainian women's rights activist stripped to the waist and seized the Euro-2012 soccer trophy while it was on public display in Kiev on Saturday in a protest against the forthcoming month-long championship.

 
The young woman, 23-year-old Yulia Kovpachik, is a member of the Kiev-based Femen women's rights group which believes the Euro-2012 soccer tournament being played in Ukraine next month will encourage sex tourism.
 
Kovpachik strode up to the silver, 60 centimeter (two feet) high trophy, which was on display as a tourist attraction in an open air exhibition in central Kiev, ostensibly to be photographed alongside it like hundreds of other sightseers.
 
But she then pulled down her red T-shirt to reveal the words "Fuck Euro 2012" scrawled on her torso. As she grabbed hold of the cup with both hands, she was seized by security guards, who appeared to have had advanced warning of the protest.
 
They covered her with a sheet and took her off to a waiting police car.
 
The protest appeared to be the first action in a campaign against the championship by Femen which regularly stages bare-breast protests in Ukraine - and sometimes beyond - to highlight what it sees as political injustice, social abuse and the exploitation of women in Ukraine.
 
Femen says Euro-2012, which Ukraine is co-hosting with Poland next month with the final in Kiev on July 1, will be a magnet for sex tourists - one of the group's main targets - and will feed a booming sex industry.
 
About one million foreign tourists are expected in Ukraine for the Euros.
 
Organisers said the 8 kg (17 lbs) Henri Delaunay cup was undamaged though Kovpachik appeared to topple back under its weight as security guards seized her. It was still on show in late evening.
 
Femen's spokeswoman, Anna Gutsol, said Kovpachik, who staged the protest on her 23rd birthday, was released after being told she would have to appear in court on Monday on a charge of hooliganism. The charge carries a maximum fine of 800 hryvnias ($100) and 15 days detention.
 
Conscious of Ukraine's growing reputation as a new destination for sex tourism, Euro-2012 organisers say they are taking steps to curb prostitution during the month-long tournament.
 
After Kovpachik's protest, Femen activist Olexandra Shevchenko told reporters: "We came here today to stop this Euro fan low-life from making a bordello out of Ukraine."
 
City authorities have mounted the trophy in a temporary exhibition area on Kiev's Independence Square.
 
Hundreds of sightseers were queuing up under the blazing sun for souvenir photographs alongside it when Kovpachik staged her demonstration.
 
Independence Square itself will be the centre of a huge 'fan-zone' during Euro-2012, capable of holding tens of thousands of football supporters.

Link of the week

Auld lads are a gas bit of craic so they are. And they're on Twitter here. By Jaysus...